[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.