watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them