After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I was just discussing this with my cat
me
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice