my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*pronounces fake like saké*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.