“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Somebody call the cops.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*offers Batman cough drops*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps