If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Cats (2019)
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.