DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.