My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
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Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way