I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.