*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Favourite diary entry ever
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Mornin. * use accordingly
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now