The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
She: I like Cats
He: