the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*