Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free