reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Ape together strong
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting