“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
remember
only for emergencies
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”