i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
This cat wants you to take your pills
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
A classic…
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.