“Huge”.
You Might Also Like
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Actually cracking up @ this
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”