*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
guilty
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father