Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.