Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug