[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
how was your vacation
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.