At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!