“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
my one true gender
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Mood.. 😂
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
The real reason evolution started..😂
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.