I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried