I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.