getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Time for evil
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu