boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
uncle dave has been through hell
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.