Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.