This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old