Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Oops I deleted….
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.