Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
You Might Also Like
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Perfection.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore