[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
live, laugh, laundry.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes