Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me in tagged photos
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
cry laughing at this shit
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Nice try, poison.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy