Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
🤣😂🤣
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in