If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?