I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Mornin
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale