“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
these two trucks have the same bed length
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.