Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!