Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.