If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
You Might Also Like
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.