Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.