i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing