Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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i actually laughed 😩
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Growing out my freckles.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
shut up and take my money
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”