My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.