Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT