My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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ATMs should have breathalyzers
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.