“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I love twitter
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*