[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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2022: I can fix it
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name