I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
When your parents check you’re ok.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
White Castle for the Win
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION