[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
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you will never know the true number of layers
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Tough love is true love
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.